Sarah Blum, ARNP, Vietnam Veteran, therapist, author of Women Under Fire, Abuse in the Military. Sarah is a consistent, wise, and joyful presence in Veteran Rites Circles of Return and Path With Art Programming.

My name is Sarah and I am an 80-year-old nurse Vietnam Veteran. I served in the Army Nurse Corps for almost five years with one full tour as an operating room nurse at the 12th Evacuation Hospital in Cu Chi, Vietnam. The hospital was located on the edge of the iron triangle by the Hobo Woods where all the fighting was in 1967, the year I was there. Our hospital was the largest user of fresh blood in all of Vietnam that year. I saw the worst of what war does to our young men and I felt the impact of the war on me emotionally for years. I call it the gift that goes on giving because at my current age, I can still go back there and feel the depth of feelings.

I returned in 1968 and became the head nurses of the orthopedic ward at Madigan Army Hospital in Tacoma, WA. I learned a lot at MGH about the toll the war took on our soldiers. So many of our guys were not only wounded physically but emotionally as well. Many discovered to their dismay and shame, that they were impotent on their return. It was a psychological reaction to what they felt inside. I wanted to help in any way I could, so I asked questions of the psychologists, social workers, psychiatrists, and other doctors. No one seemed to know what to do to help them. My ward officer, Dr. Tom Travis Orthopedic Surgeon, suggested I talk to the guys with that issue and he gave up his private office on the ward so I had a private place to talk to them. I learned that I was very intuitive and was able to help the guys by listening to them and supporting them. After several sessions with them and when they felt ready, I gave them a weekend pass to go out on their own. I always suggested they simply go an enjoy themselves and not think about or plan to be sexual but allow it to develop naturally or not at all.

I could tell on Monday morning when I returned to the ward if they were successful or not by the looks on their faces. Those that were successful would be lined up to greet me when I came in and of course they were all smiles. Most were, and some needed more sessions before they felt successful.

I also saw that their physical wounds were not healing the way wounds normally do and that too was because of what was going on inside them in their thoughts and feelings. It was that latter experience that pointed me toward becoming a psychotherapist. I eventually went to undergraduate school at Seattle University and then, later on, to graduate school in Psychosocial Nursing at the University of Washington. During that time, I was also struggling with my own emotions and undiagnosed PTS related to my service in Vietnam and was in therapy for five years. The therapy I went through lead me to do the same type of therapy, but to go further with it. For thirty years I worked with children and adults who were traumatized in some way doing developmental psychotherapy and trauma resolution therapy which was very effective.

All that said, I am hoping to be helpful to you, my brother and sister veterans, in this writing. Now that you know where it is coming from, I hope that will allow you to take this in for yourselves.

You are all different in what you experienced in service, yet you can relate to one another through your shared pain. When anyone of you shares your painful experiences and others are able to hear, those listening know similar feelings and circumstances. Each of you deserves to have a safe place to share what you experienced and are feeling; Veteran Rites provides that safe place.

Some of you have encountered people in your lives who told you things about yourself from their vantage point, which was not helpful. It’s possible that started when you were very young. Parents are our first mirrors. They reflect back to us who we are, but if those mirrors are not clear, you do not get an accurate picture of yourself. Think of those mirrors like the ones in the fun houses where you can stand in front of one and see a grotesque image, one that is elongated or distorted in different ways. If you had parents who did not or could not see you as you were, they may have been distorted mirrors for you. If that is true then you could not get a clear measure of yourself from them. The same is true of others in your life who could not see you as you were but rather saw you in some distorted way based on their lives and perceptions.

One of the most important things, when you are healing, is that you share yourself and your feelings with those who will be accepting of you and your feelings, rather than those who will label or judge you. Never let anyone other than you define you. You are your own authority now. As children, we are not our own authority. It is time to undo any of the damage done to you in your life up to now.

All of the above is about the you that is your personality, your human self, or ego self. You are more than that. You are also a magnificent being or essence that is referred to as soul or consciousness. You are both human and divine. The divine you knows that you are not any of the things you have said or done that you are not proud of or any of the descriptions of you from others that are not accurate.

Your magnificence is yours and cannot be diminished by your thoughts or beliefs, but it can be unknown to you and can be hidden from others. When you are out in nature and looking at a tree or a flower, see how the tree or flower simply IS in all its glory, being what it is without resistance or embellishment. Notice the silence the essence around it, you have that as well but your mind in all its buzzing, makes it difficult to notice yours. If you learned meditation remember to take some time to meditate regularly. If you did not learn it simply find a quiet place and be comfortable sitting or lying down and focus on your breathing, in and out and keep that focus no matter what your mind does and keep coming back to the breathing. Another good focus is a flower or tree that you have seen and like. Keep the focus on that no matter where your mind goes.

Do not ever be harsh with yourself or shame yourself. Trust that you are doing the best you can and take one step at a time. Never believe anything about yourself that is not true. Find the people in your life who can be clear mirrors for you. Use the affirmations and keep using them. You deserve to be treated with love and respect and expect that from others and yourself.

Know that all your feelings and needs are OK.

You can be who you are and be accepted.

You belong here.

You do not have to be like others, you can be uniquely yourself.

You do not have to suffer to get what you need.

You can learn healthy ways to express your anger.

You belong here.

You can grow and learn at your own pace.

I love who you are.