Andrew Nicholls is a licensed clinical social worker in Washington State who currently works in research at the VA and runs a small private practice. This is an excerpt from an upcoming book on Radical Self-Acceptance and how to actualize it in your life. He is also an artist who explores themes of radical self-acceptance, life/death/rebirth, and perfect imperfection through woodturning. You can learn more about his art at www.ajnart.com.
Radical Self-Acceptance: A Guide to Getting Out of Your Own Way on the Road to Personal Fulfillment -Andrew Nicholls, LICSW
My name is Andrew, and I am a combat veteran who served in the US Army. But, like many of you, I am more than that: I am a father,husband, social worker, artist, advocate, and musician. Most importantly though, I am me and that is enough. For many years it seemed like I let my identity as a veteran dominate my personal narrative. I didn’t know how to live in my own skin and in my own home, state side. It took many years and many failures, but eventually, I learned how to reclaim my narrative and my place in society.
Part of that was starting to practice what is called “Radical Self-Acceptance”. It’s the crazy notion that who I am in this moment, while imperfect, is enough. To quote Dr. Marsha Linehan, the creator of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy:
“There are three parts to radical acceptance. The first part is accepting that reality is what it is. The second part is accepting that the event or situation causing you pain has a cause. The third part is accepting that life can be worth living even with painful events in it.”
My flaws and scars are part of my identity, but they don’t define my narrative. I do.
What is Radical Self-Acceptance?
Radical Self-Acceptance is a concept of self-actualization that borrows heavily from cognitive-behavioral theory, mindfulness practices, logotherapy, and dialectical behavioral therapy. It is less of a treatment modality and more of a personal philosophical orientation that assists us in navigating the difficulties of life in a constructive way.
There are times in our lives where we look at ourselves and wonder how we ever ended up in this or that situation, why we keep making this one particular mistake over and over, why we’re not happy with ourselves or our station in life, etc. We focus on the “shoulda, woulda, coulda” of our past instead of our path forward which in turn creates a narrative for ourselves that is focused on our failures. This hindsight-focused worldview keeps us stuck in a cycle of self-fulfilling prophecies which reinforces the negative self-talk we play over and over in our minds.
Negative self-talk is an internal (and sometimes external) monologue that is rooted in feelings of sadness, anger, shame, guilt, and despair, and its only aim is to degrade the self and your sense of intrinsic value. It helps you rationalize why you “don’t deserve better”, why “you’ll never change”, why “you aren’t (or deserve to be) successful”, and on and on. It is one of the many tools we use to help spare us the difficulty of genuine engagement in growing personally, socially, and professionally. Now, you may be saying, “But how can I change if I don’t recognize my faults?” Do not confuse negative self-talk for constructive evaluation of self as the main difference is the emotion connected to the words you tell yourself.
“Why do I always do this?” is a phrase we have all said to ourselves at one point in our lives, but has it ever helped you grow? Think about the emotions this phrase brings up for you: shame, regret, disappointment. You can feel it in your gut as you read this. THAT feeling is the difference between negative self-talk and constructive evaluation. Emotions like shame, regret, anger, guilt, etc. are normal and a healthy part of the human experience, but they are neither “good” or “bad” in and of themselves. However, when they dictate our narrative about ourselves they become deleterious to not only our mental health, but our physical health, relationships, and professional lives.
Constructive evaluation is self-talk that is aimed at helping us take stock of who we are in this exact moment, without any sort of moral judgment of “good or bad”, “right or wrong” attached. It is as devoid of emotion as possible so that we can objectively look at ourselves in relation to our goals, and make any necessary changes we need to, earnestly and without shame. Obviously, we are human and have emotions which we should be able to experience, but not at the expense of our continued growth and happiness.
Radical Self-Acceptance is the process through which we can step back from ourselves and say,” This is who I am/what I am feeling in this moment. It is not good or bad. It just is. And for right now, that is enough.” Then when we have accepted our present reality, we can get on with the business of growing beyond it towards our goals. Radical Self-Acceptance is NOT throwing your hands up and saying “well that’s just the way I am” and trying to be happy about it. It is a framework that allows us to be human, with all our flaws and dysfunction, and value oneself while we also recognize our challenges and imperfections on our path to being the best version of ourselves we can be.
We will find in this framework that some things we can work on improving, but other things may be out of our scope of control and that is OK. We can still develop strategies for managing how these factors out of our direct control affect us. As in life, things about us are rarely black and white so we must learn to live in the gray area. If we do not maintain this balance, then we risk sliding back into the “woulda, shoulda, coulda” cycle of negative emotions, thoughts, and actions. Radical Self-Acceptance is a positive affirmation of this balance, not a rubber stamp for continued dysfunction.
“You are enough. You matter. Your story matters. Welcome Home.”
