I was in the Air Force until 2004 and after I got out I couldn’t get over my trauma or PTSD. For many years I tried to ignore everything that happened to me. In later years I went to the VA and some veteran retreats for help. Some places helped but I still couldn’t get over my trauma. Finally, Project Sanctuary helped me reconnect with my mother and she suggested that I try the Rite of Return with Veteran Rites. I looked at the website and was very intrigued about spending 12 days on the land where the whole purpose is learning how to heal yourself. That was a new concept to me, that I could heal myself. Anxiously and with some fear I decided to take a chance and fly out to Washington State.
Four days fasting alone sounded overwhelming so I decided to take it one day at a time and sometimes one moment at a time. When I got on the land I was amazed at all the caring and respect that I encountered, not just by the staff but also my fellow veterans. I opened up my military sexual trauma and about the things that happened to me in the military. Things I had never talked about. Nobody judged me when I couldn’t even say the “R” word.
Then it was time for my four day solo trip. I like to journal so that is what I did with my alone time. I wrote out in detail all of my pain. Then a wonderful thing happened. Mother Earth told me that she could take away my pain. I laid on the ground with my palms in the dirt and I could feel all of the pain and poison being drawn out of and into the earth. Then a hawk flew overhead. Hawks have a special meaning to me. My grandpa who died several years ago always comes back to me as a hawk and after all of the poison was drawn out he flew overhead. It was a very powerful moment that I will remember for the rest of my life.
When I returned from my solo trip I told the circle about my experiences. I reclaimed the “R” word RAPE. It no longer had power over me. When I told circle that the only thing I couldn’t do on my solo trip was scream, they screamed for me.
Every single person there screamed for my pain and I just cried. It was such a beautiful moment. I no longer felt the shame of being raped and I was no longer alone. Veteran Rites gave me the tools to heal myself and to carry those lessons with me everyday of my life.
I found my voice and I intend to always use it to speak my truth.
Felicia Dihel is an Air Force Veteran and an initiate of the 2019 Rite of Return ceremony. She is using her unique gifts and power to advocate for survivors of Military Sexual Trauma and holistic healing for all. She lives in Missouri.
