You Can’t Borrow From Tomorrow - Tara Blue

So there I was.

On the other side of the country. In a vast, open semi-desert land. Away from my kids on spring break. With a group of complete strangers and a nearly dead cell phone. On a solo fast for four days and nights. Squatting to take a shit above an empty pit carved into a pile of rocks. 

When I finished, I reached forward, grabbed some rocks in front of me, then turned around and dropped the rocks into the pit to cover up the shit in the hole behind me.

As I attempted to climb away from my make-shift port-a-potty, I stepped on the exact place where I had borrowed the rocks from. The ground collapsed beneath my step and I lost my footing. The path in front of me had become unstable, causing me to lose my balance as I almost tumbled down the ridge. Heart racing, I closed my eyes and held my chest. 

That’s when I heard the voice.

“YOU CAN’T BORROW FROM TOMORROW TO COVER UP YESTERDAY’S SHIT”.

Now I’m the hard-headed type who has to be slapped in the face with truth before I’ll accept it. And on that day of April 25th, 2019, that truth hit me so hard I almost fell on my ass. Literally.

I’d probably read a similar quote in a fortune cookie or my Bible many times before. However, when the voice sends us a message, sometimes we’re just not ready to receive it.  I heard that message before, but I wasn’t actually listening. 

Almost like seeing a blurry image in your peripheral vision all your life. Then one day you actually look straight at it and the image comes into focus. And it’s a bright red sign with flashing lights, inscribed with truth you already had inside you. 

Recognizing this particular truth had deep implications on my perspective in life and has improved my relationships with those around me. Particularly my mother, with whom I’ve allowed emotions from the past deprive us from having a present and future. 

For me, the Rite of Return provided the space and the place to experience what I consider the single most important skill of my life: the ability to listen, recognize, and apply the inner voice. 

For that, I’m forever grateful. ~~~~~

“Tara is a follower of Christ. She lives around Fort Bragg, NC with her husband and their 3 children. She is a 7 year veteran and currently a 5th grade teacher. She is also a member of the national organization Veterans For Peace.” 

Learning to Fly after MST, Veteran Felicia Dihel

I was in the Air Force until 2004 and after I got out I couldn’t get over my trauma or PTSD. For many years I tried to ignore everything that happened to me. In later years I went to the VA and some veteran retreats for help. Some places helped but I still couldn’t get over my trauma. Finally, Project Sanctuary helped me reconnect with my mother and she suggested that I try the Rite of Return with Veteran Rites. I looked at the website and was very intrigued about spending 12 days on the land where the whole purpose is learning how to heal yourself. That was a new concept to me, that I could heal myself. Anxiously and with some fear I decided to take a chance and fly out to Washington State.

Four days fasting alone sounded overwhelming so I decided to take it one day at a time and sometimes one moment at a time. When I got on the land I was amazed at all the caring and respect that I encountered, not just by the staff but also my fellow veterans. I opened up my military sexual trauma and about the things that happened to me in the military. Things I had never talked about. Nobody judged me when I couldn’t even say the “R” word.

Then it was time for my four day solo trip. I like to journal so that is what I did with my alone time. I wrote out in detail all of my pain. Then a wonderful thing happened. Mother Earth told me that she could take away my pain. I laid on the ground with my palms in the dirt and I could feel all of the pain and poison being drawn out of and into the earth. Then a hawk flew overhead. Hawks have a special meaning to me. My grandpa who died several years ago always comes back to me as a hawk and after all of the poison was drawn out he flew overhead. It was a very powerful moment that I will remember for the rest of my life.

When I returned from my solo trip I told the circle about my experiences. I reclaimed the “R” word RAPE. It no longer had power over me. When I told circle that the only thing I couldn’t do on my solo trip was scream, they screamed for me.

Every single person there screamed for my pain and I just cried. It was such a beautiful moment. I no longer felt the shame of being raped and I was no longer alone. Veteran Rites gave me the tools to heal myself and to carry those lessons with me everyday of my life.

I found my voice and I intend to always use it to speak my truth.

Felicia Dihel is an Air Force Veteran and an initiate of the 2019 Rite of Return ceremony. She is using her unique gifts and power to advocate for survivors of Military Sexual Trauma and holistic healing for all. She lives in Missouri.

Seward Park Audubon Owl Prowl Social

As if Seward Park Audubon wasn’t doing enough by hosting us for our Circle of Return Veterans Councils with ongoing conservation opportunities in partnership with the 1st Service Platoon of The Mission Continues, on November 16th they gave veterans and families a night to remember.

A whole experience of education, dinner, mysterious owl prowls, campfire camaraderie, s’mores, hot chocolate, and eyes lighting up with our special guest falconer. Families were visibly moved as we shared our stories the way it was intended, in circle, around a fire, with a live owl staring us down.

This was a heartfelt event and VeteranRites is deeply appreciative to our Seward Park Audubon heroes Joseph Manson and Ed Dominguez, and the gracious Audubon volunteers leading us on our owl prowl mission. Also to the fearless City Manager and retired Army Captain Linh Thai of The Mission Continues, our amazing volunteer photographer Margaret Nicosia, and all of the veterans, warrior spouses, children, and friends who came despite the fear of rain..with none to be had.

Be sure to check out all the activities Seward Park Audubon is doing to build community and preserve our natural habitat. And get involved!

Veteran Rites and Path With Art

Photo Credit: Seattle Opera

This partner highlight was provided by Path With Art to their community on November 27, 2019

PARTNER HIGHLIGHT: VETERAN RITES

Path with Art is thrilled to partner with Veteran Rites as we launch our new veteran-specific programming. Veteran Rites' mission is to provide circles of return where prior service members are initiated back to their whole selves in the presence of authentic and affirming community. Circles can be any ceremony, ritual, performance, activity, or practice that empowers veterans to enjoy and deploy the unique gifts they have to share with the world. 

Veteran Rites Executive Director, Ryan Mielcarek, shared, “Somatic Experiencing through art, theater, and rites of passage bring to the surface the shadows in us that are calling to be seen and danced with compassionately so we can heal with our whole selves. Trauma is not something to be suppressed and managed, it is the pathway to coming in to the fullness of our being through post traumatic growth. This natural process to wholeness is a right of every human and especially every veteran. Path with Art and Veteran Rites create paths for veterans to become fully embodied and the container for that beauty to be witnessed by community… Our Veterans and their Families have deep wisdom and so many other gifts that are needed to bridge the divide within and between all of us. We just need to affirm and hold space for them so we can truly sing together.”

Ryan participated as a Creative Mentor in the recent all-veteran Path with Art choir for The Falling & The Rising, operatic story of service, sacrifice, and connection that recently took the stage at Seattle Opera. You can catch an interview with Ryan, alongside Path with Art Student Artist Melodie Clarke, and learn more about the project here.

Hope is Within Reach - Filmmaker Ian Stout

Ian Stout is a filmmaker, combat veteran, and an initiate of the 2018 Rite of Return ceremony. In his 15 months to Iraq he survived two roadside bombs. Over the last decade he has been on a powerful journey of healing for himself and is on a new mission to bring healing to the world.

After watching the results come in from MDMA assisted therapy in MAPS' Phase II trials with the FDA, showing 68% of the test subjects no longer had PTSD after their 12-month follow-up, he quickly thought of the healing potential this could bring to so many of his veteran brothers and sisters.

Ian is committed to raising enough funds to not only make the film but also be able to pay for each and every one of our veteran participants' total cost of treatment!

He is currently in the fundraising phase of a feature-length documentary film showcasing the healing potential of MDMA assisted Therapy for PTSD.

For more information check out the projects website: https://www.thepsychedelictherapist.com
If you would like to donate, or know someone who would, you can do so through the films fiscal sponsor (MAPS.) https://store.maps.org/np/clients/maps/donation.jsp?campaign=139

The Flow of Navy Veteran Crystal Dandridge

The Flow

The place I feel most content is out in the park or woods by the lake or wherever there’s water.

There’s where I can hear the brook babbling and gaze upon the ripples floating on the water. The lightest hump, the steepest incline, the deepest plunge.

This is healing for me because I can see the transference of energy through each motion as the water transitions from shallow and flat to a movement of a rhythm that is constant with every effort to move on to another space and to flow with the current to a new destination…..

 I long to be that body of water moving and flowing with every beat of my heart to upward and forward movement to something greater up ahead!

---

Who I Am

Every joke I share, every piece of bright fabric I place on my body, and every piece of jewelry has awakened some sense of life and being present to me. Beauty is grounding and anything sparkling and colorful, any lighthearted kind word or a smile is an indication that I am here and I am feeling something. I have not checked out. My heart is not hardened. I don’t feel hate, anguish or disgust. I feel something good and I want to make It better.

This is who I am. This is how I am.

Whatever it takes to be here and present I will color it, draw it, write it, picture it and live it.

My mission is to help others see the beauty within themselves.

Crystal Lee Dandridge (Pictured Left) is a US Navy Veteran that hails from Newark, NJ. She is a creative, counselor, and author with the Red Badge Project. Crystal regularly brings her inspiration to the Circle of Return Veterans Council at Seward Park Audubon and will be claiming her Rite of Return next Spring.

To heal as a veteran and blind person - Chuck Miller

My name is Chuck Miller. I am a veteran of the United States. I am also blind. Although I am not a combat-wounded veteran I am still disabled and feel as though I am a part of the disabled veteran community. I chose to go on the Rite of Return in 2018 as a way to understand where I am in my life. I have struggled for many years with the fact that I am not a combat veteran and that I am blind. One of my biggest challenges has always been my pride. I never wanted people to see me as a blind person.

What I found in the desert with at the Rite of Return ceremony was far beyond my wildest dreams. Not only was I able to experience healing from the other vets on their journey I also found healing within myself. This kind of shocked me because I thought I was healed. It amazed me how being alone in the desert while fasting really added clarity to my mind body and soul.

For the first time in my adult life, I felt as though I was a whole person. Even after 1 1/2 years after I claimed the new me at the Rite of Return, I reflect often about my time in Eastern Washington. To this day I find new lessons as I go through my life.

I believe that the Rite of Return was the single greatest factor in my ability to heal as a veteran and a blind person. I share my experience with as many veterans as I can so that they too can hopefully one day experience the miracle that I experienced in the desert.

What I feel about the ceremony is that it is extremely impactful to a veteran who has struggled with post-traumatic stress and depression. VeteranRites has a very unique way of providing a safe healing environment where everyone there is focused on the same healing process. Even though it's one of the most difficult things I've ever faced in my life, I would gladly do it again if I felt that I needed closure or a better understanding of my circumstances. Or simply to feel whole again with my veteran brothers and sisters. I highly recommend this program to all of my veteran friends who are struggling with post-traumatic stress, depression, anxiety, military sexual trauma, and so many other things that plague the veteran in today's world.

Charles “Chuck” Miller served 28 years in the United States Army and National Guard. He believes his calling in life is to continue to push himself and inspire others as whole man and elder to the veteran community. He claimed his Rite of Return in Eastern Washington in 2018 and lives in Jacksonville, FL.

This Veterans Day, Give Yourself the Order

First, enjoy a peaceful minute from a Veterans Rite of Return in the video below.

This Veterans Day, VeteranRites is honoring our warriors by opening registration for the Spring and Summer, 2020 Rite of Return ceremonies in Eastern Washington. The Rite of Return is a journey to the heart of who you are called to be after military service. Separated from society, in solidarity and solitude, cross the threshold to lay down what no longer serves and answer…

Who Am I? What’s My Purpose? Where do I Belong?

This warrior-led ceremony has proven to drastically reduce the symptoms of PTS, compassion fatigue, moral injury, and suicidal ideation by embracing all aspects of our human nature, identity, and experience. The Rite of Return is available to Current and Prior Military Service Members, Spouses, Gold Star Families (18+), and Dependent Survivors of Veteran Suicide.

There are only 12 seats available for each Rite of Return, and your journey begins immediately when you register. You will join a tight circle of veterans from all over the country preparing to land in Eastern Washington for their true welcome home in the wilderness.

After you are initiated into your whole transition from military service, you will remain connected to your VeteranRites family as we continue to support each other in living out our life’s intention.

This Veterans Day, give yourself the order to fully honor ALL of who you are, what you’ve carried, and where you’re going. You’ve earned it, and it is our mission to provide it. Don’t delay, we’ve been waiting for you.

When cohorts are filled for each Rite of Return, Veterans and members of our Military Family that registered will be placed on a wait list in the order they were received. ALL individuals who register will be contacted by VeteranRites.

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Lay your guns down, veterans, and claim your Rites

At the dusty truck stop in Ellensburg I picked up the Essential Johnny Cash 3 disk set, which I reckoned would be the perfect soundtrack for the rolling hills and windmills in my rearview as my beaten Ford struggled mightily to reach the Serving Those Who Served Conference in Richland, WA a couple of more hours down the pavement.  And the American prophet sang:

“Don’t take your guns to town, son, leave you guns at home, Bill.”

The heat in the back of my head started pushing tears down my cheeks, and a flash of Lee M. Jonas, a Former Army Staff Sergeant and Drill Instructor who had a bus ticket from Jersey last year to come and get his soul right at our Rite of Return ceremony in Eastern Washington, but didn’t make it on the bus.  I don’t know what Lee’s gun was, be it a pistol, a pill, or a bottle, but I did know Lee was the thirteenth brother in arms that Mark Oravsky, creator and co-conspirator of VeteranRites, had served with to later become a casualty of war on American Soil.

US Army Staff Sergeant Lee M. Jonas passed on March 31, 2018.

I remembered the tears in Mark’s eyes, and him saying, “If he only got on that bus.” It’s tough to see your brother break down, especially if he’s a warrior’s warrior like Mark, but I was grateful to hold that space so he didn’t bear it alone.

Then a vision of the Vietnam Memorial, but three times as long wrapping around the white house, but now including the sacred names of warriors that met the same fate, and their families who carried the weight of that darkness for the rest of their days.  Then that wall bursting from the soil and growing twice as high, with the faces of the 6,000 veterans and service members every year that were not able to put their guns down, and again, their kin and unborn who would never sit with them again at the dinner table or be together in pictures.  As the track ended as if it was a movie, Johnny spoke to me. 

“The scars from service are half the story, son, how we come home writes the rest.”

I heard that voice again as I watched the pride, precision, and spirit of the warriors of Yakama Nation open the conference in ceremony the next morning.  A Nation, in spirit with other Native American, ancient and indigenous cultures, who show us what the standard operating procedure should be to take care of their warriors and people.  Be it the Maasai of East Africa, the Isrealite Warriors of the Pentateuch, the Christian Crusaders, and countless others, to return from life as a warrior mandates sacred rites of cleansing that purify the soul.  In solidarity with fellow warriors and deep solitude, you transform what you will most certainly transmit down the road to your loved ones.  With humility and a heart of sadness, I bowed to those Yakama warriors, wondering if my ancestors had been able to humble themselves as students of their ways, that Lee M. Jonas would have got on that bus, hundreds of thousands would have put their metaphorical and very real guns down, and the whole course of this nation would be different.

But as my grandfather once said, “The stupid get punished.”  No truer words spoken, and here we are today, willing to accept that the small number of patriots that go through three to thirty years of indoctrination, blood, sweat, and tears that swallow and spit up our souls, generally get two weeks of resume preparation and two seconds to walk out of the gates of their military installation, without any room to breathe and soak in the enormity of experience, and jump head first to life’s hamster wheel.

Until our government reaches in to those deep pockets to grab the common cents to put some money where it needs to be, in to the hearts of men, women, and warriors of all identities and dispositions before or shortly thereafter they put they put down the uniform, we in the grassroots veterans world will continue to hold the line as the rugged but scrappy suicide prevention force with an impossible mission, because that is simply how we operate and don’t know no better.

Like Augustine Perez of the Columbia Basin Veteran Center, one of the kindest and most powerful warriors I had the honor of getting to know at our conference, just recently having pulled himself out of uncertainty, is full of vision and practical action for his fellow veterans in Eastern Washington.

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He, along with those like Betsy Metcalf at the Blue Mountain Action Council, Jon “Doc” Ferguson of Worksource in Clallam County, Matt Rupp at Joint Services Support in Pasco, Rosa J. Liu at UW Bothell, Lourence Dormaier of Next Mission Farms, Jaime Yslas of Veterans Yoga Project, in step with the service angels at local nonprofits, the VA, and your Washington State Department of Veterans Affairs, ignite this veterans fire that there are better days ahead, starting now.  So let’s get to it…

We claim today that every service member, survivor, and veteran has the RIGHT to a homecoming that is worthy of our sacrifice. A Rite of Return that allows us to lay our guns down so we can become who we are truly called to be without the uniform.

A rite that honors the souls of who we truly are, what we’ve been through and our place in community upon our return.  Where we can “dig a hole and scream into it,” like Mark Oravsky, or lay down the armor in mind so it can be soaked up in the earth, because she can take it, and already gives us everything.  Where we learn to take a walk in the forest with the objective of simply enjoying it.  In this rite of passage, we give ourselves the time, setting, people, and process required to heal. Barefoot on the earth, wild, confident, and free to become as we are called to be.  In our rucks will be a new intention and self-generated ritual relevant to our own spiritual practices, or lack thereof, always within reach so we can stand firm in faith of who we are when the defecation hits the rotary oscillator, because we know it keeps flying.    

Those tools have been what has kept me above ground since I was truly welcomed home in 2017 at my Rite of Return, along with a picture that reminds me that I was never broken, and don’t need fixing (but I do need to always own my $^%).

We are also drawing a line in the sand that the time is now to move beyond suicide intervention towards a plan of all days where we are in authentic relationship with ourselves and each other.  

This isn’t some hippie woo woo stuff. It’s the way we were when we held each other’s pain and joy on the battlefield. To move from human doings to human beings.  To lay our guns down and join in circle, in solidarity with one another, to get to the heart of the matter whenever we can.  This means that we will continue to enjoy the small talk at the service project, karaoke bar, adventure program, and service post, but we will also practice the art of veterans council, speaking one at a time, and holding space for what is really going down for us.  Because we know, in our community, the next conversation we have may be our last.

Circle of Return, Seward Park Audubon, July 21, 2019

VeteranRites has commenced Circles of Return in community where we create the space to get real for a time without the need for counseling and fixing. And you can and should do the same, in your living rooms, congregation, at the bunker, or at the job site.  Wherever it is, it is a sacred and confidential space, taking the symbolic talking stick one at a time to speak without fear and to bear witness without judgement. 

Speak from the Heart

Listen from the Heart

Always get to the Heart of the Matter (get to the point)

More presence and less thinking about what you’re going to say

There we go, we have an acronym, SLAM.  And like anything decent in life, it is simple and effective like cowgirl wisdom.  “Hey bros, let’s rally up for a unit SLAM” or “Hey sister, we guys would like to hold a SLAM to hear about what it’s really like to be a woman veteran,” or “Get to the campfire for family SLAM!” Like any real slam to the ground, it may shake us up a bit, but remember, we have our people to hold it with.

The more we put our guns down and get to the heart of the matter as common practice, in circle and in ceremony, the more chance veterans like Lee M. Jonas won’t need to get on the bus.  That is our mission. 

After a few years of strapping water coolers, gear, and provisions to the back of our trucks to hold ceremonies we have been blessed with a generous heap of startup funding by our civilian angel, John Crary, to truly get this VeteranRites ball rolling, with deep guidance and mentorship from Mark Oravsky and “Grandpa” Larry Hobbs.  Enough to ramp up the Rite of Return and Circle of Return veteran slams in a neighborhood near you.  Within the next year we will be holding two ceremonies for veterans to become who they are called to be, and the interest list is open.  Over the next few years, we plan to scale up our ceremonies gradually, with a foothold in Washington and additional ceremonies where we can honor our service members in all seasons.  To do this, we need additional blessings, guidance, and support from investors, sponsors, champions, guides, and donors of land, gear, food, talent, and transportation.  We are in this together.

We know we stand on the shoulders of countless organizations and individuals across the country that have and continue to do the work of the veteran soul.  We humbly enter this space as force multipliers for your individual missions in solidarity as referral partners, allies, advocates, and conveners of veteran rites.   We are not the way, but a way, although we like the smell of what we’re cooking, and have the stories, the spirit, and science that puts proof in the pudding.  If you can’t make it to us, head to Healing Warrior’s Hearts, Save A Warrior, Project Sanctuary, Camp Chaparral, and Growing Veterans, to name a few. 

To Vietnam Veterans, with reverence and humility we would be honored to provide the ceremony of return you never had.  You are our keepers of wisdom and the foundation for today’s modern veteran service system that we all too often take for granted. 

To our Initiates, Investors, Assistants, and Guides for of our historical Rite of Return (formerly Veterans Vision Fast), your courage to bring your whole selves to that unknown and “out there” wildnerness program is the only reason why there is a VeteranRites.  Your soul is baked into our DNA, and we will move forward in peer solidarity to walk our true paths together. 

To our two-spirited, womxn, lgbtq warriors, this ceremony is affirming of who you truly are and is your rite as protector of this nation. 

To the Captain America’s who have landed firmly on their true path after service, consider the Rite of Return as the authentic warrior’s welcome home you never got. It is your proper return from the hero and heroine’s journey akin to the practices of the great warfighting cultures since time immemorial. 

To those in our military family who feel they can’t put the gun down, pick up the phone and dial the veterans crisis line, get to a local peer support group or vet center, and reach out to us. NOW!

We will be damned if we don’t create the proper space for our generations of veterans to reclaim ownership for their healing and be honored appropriately for all of who they are. We will be damned if in 2043 an OIF or OEF veteran opens up for the first time, having held on valiantly to all of that medicine for forty years or more alone, like most of us have witnessed with our lineage holders of Vietnam. Not on our watch.

So… the beaten Ford made it back to Seattle, after a stop again in Ellensburg to have some chow with my Seabee veteran brother who drove three hours to the conference just to make it to my very present-traumatic stress induced presentation. We had some memorable irreverent times in Iraq and on post in Gulfport, MS, but post service relocation, isolation, and his gun, the bottle, had been leading him on the highway to hell.  He claimed his sobriety at his Rite of Return, is two years sober, glowing like a lit Marlboro on night watch, and is walking his true path towards his ultimate calling. 

We counted our blessings to have a state veterans agency that walks the talk along with our civilian service providers, who are our corpsman on the battlefield at home. 

Veterans and Service Providers of the Washington State Department of Veterans Affairs in a sacred Rite of Passage

Now I am saddling up for the month of August for intensive training in the wildnerness with the School of Lost Borders, our mentors in this bare-bones pancultural ceremony that VeteranRites is evolving for our nation’s warriors. It moves us through the underworld journey required to rebirth us in to life after service, or for any important life transition. It is the spiritual gumbo that breaks open the three classic ruptures of trauma; loss of identity, time (past as present), and belonging. It does so with nature and self-determination as your greatest teachers…and a little something that can’t be explained. There may not be a metric for mystery, and that’s fine by us.

The voices that constantly claim their space in my head without paying rent are trying to find the excuses not to go.  The same voices that will try to creep up when you decide to claim your 12-day rite of return ceremony.  12 days!..but what about...I don’t know…I’m needed here to…I can’t…and on, and on..

Then I remember that sensation of stepping across the line to claim who I was truly called to be on top of that mountain, a feeling my brother said was the best day of his life next to being married and watching his daughter being born.  Crossing that threshold allowed me to stand tall, chin parallel to the marching surface, fully alive and at peace for the first time from the wars inside my head. Now it may not always be the right time, but there is no excuse to deny ourselves that rite, for ourselves, our families, for Lee M. Jonas, and all our people in the beyond and those yet born.  Let’s get to it.

 As soon as the generals and the politicos can predict the motions of your mind, lose it. Leave it as a sign to mark a false trail, the way you didn't go. Be like the fox who makes more tracks than necessary, some in the wrong direction. Practice resurrection.    

-       Wendell Berry

Ryan Mielcarek is an immensely flawed and mostly decent human being. He is Executive Director of VeteranRites and a Response Team Member for ShelterBox. email: council@veteranrites.org